Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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