12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
