Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
