Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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