Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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