Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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