I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
