Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
