some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
