is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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