So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
