Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
