I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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