The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
