Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
ugly people sure do ruin things
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
