The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Randomize
