Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
