you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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