Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
