we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
