The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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