If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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