Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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