I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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