you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
