I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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