I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Don't judge me 👊🼠his dick just whispers my name
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
