Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
