ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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