We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
