We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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