I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
