My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
