Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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