Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
