Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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