when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
