If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
