so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
what is it with giant penises always finding me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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