I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
