I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
