My boss' voice literally gives me gas
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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