I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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