In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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