so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
