anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
