I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize