I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
