Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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