I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
