She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
