Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
