he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
