I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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