Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
