i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
