Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
