i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
