Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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