So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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