Sry I called you an 8
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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