fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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