Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
