I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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