I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
