I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
