I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
