How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize