I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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