I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
